Fine Art Photography

I want to be creative again. I'm going to buy film and make use of my camera, take it wherever I go, just as I did for the eight months after I got it. I was painfully disappointed to see the photos I took this winter, what with the few months of rusting in the artist department. I think in general, one is lucky to get a single good print out of a 24- or 36-print roll of film; I usually like three or four of mine because I am of the elementary mind. In the four rolls from the beginning of the year, I was lucky to choose one I thought was worthy of remark. This. Must. Change.

I think one part of the difficulty I find is that I prefer portraitism (I'm making up words again! Hooray!), but I don't see people anymore. Generally, I'm OK with not seeing people (I don't like people. Yes, that means you), but when it comes to my photography, I know that that's the closest I come to a forté.

Does this mean I have to be social again? I'm not sure I can afford that, financially or psychologically.

Day In

I know I've said this before, but I miss not caring. Not that my life is bad, but there's not much good, not much positive. Just day in and day out and droning on and feeling inadequate and alone.

I miss those times when I was happy. Even those times when I was unhappy -- there were good times then, too. Being around people and having the choice to be alone. Feeling like I was doing something every day, and when I was doing nothing, it wouldn't last. Cigarettes tasted better, sleep meant something, the wind in my hair as I biked home at two AM was real. Drinking because it was fun, not because it made me feel better. Not drinking because I was doing other things, not because I shouldn't. Eating because you need food to survive, not because I'm lonely or bored or angry. Throwing up because I'd drunk too much, not because I'm lonely or bored or angry. Being angry for a reason, not because there's nothing else to feel.

Mixology

Any combination of energy drinks, powders, and pills is a bad idea.