Futile Fire

My, my, how time does pass. I've spent most of the past few months working. It's been really good for me, keeping busy making a bit of money and spending too much of it.

I've been missing Oxford, of course, but in this futile, impotent way. Just missing it without doing anything about it and generally feeling there's not much to be done. I'm applying to grad school there for Fall 2010 and I have plans to visit "at some point" in the next few months. Or few more. But it all seems out of reach or not quite logical. Some times I think about how thrilled I would be to get in to Oxford and how I would celebrate and how it would change my day-to-day. On the other hand, I've thought that if got stuck here for a few more years, would it be so bad? (It would. Wait, would it?)

It's also been hard lately because the SLC kids are going back to that city of dreaming spires and rolling hills and the people that I love this week. When I think about that, I get sick to my stomach and maybe a little angry and just generally desperate. I'm not sure why -- am I jealous? Do I think they'll never appreciate it as much as they should? I know I didn't appreciate it enough. And there will always be people who hate (at least some of) the experience and I hate them for that. The feelings probably also include the anger and frustration with myself for not having made it happen yet ("it" being my return).

Oh, my god, if I could go back in time over and over again, I would relive that year forever. I would Groundhog Day the shit out of Oxford. But I don't have that option. So now begins a new year and a new set of problems and a bundle of fears and obligations and give-upping and recommitting and I have to take it all and relish it all. Maybe one day I'll want to Groundhog Day the shit out of this time.

Oh, hell. I hope not. But just in case ...