Sarah Lawrence College Class of 2010 had their commencement ceremony the other week. I caught some of it on the live feed (mostly Julianna Margulies' address and enough of the conferring of degrees to see a few people I know walk across the stage), but then I turned it off. That's quite a bit how I experienced my own commencement ceremony, to be honest. I sat in the audience, enjoyed hearing the readings and speeches, collected my diploma, had a compulsory glass or two of champagne as everyone milled on the North Lawn, but then I left with my parents. I didn't do goodbyes. I don't do goodbyes.

Maybe it's because I didn't really feel close with my graduating class. Maybe that's a bad thing.

See, I've noticed the proliferation of messages and notes and status updates on FaceBook of my friends declaring their love for each other and mourning the end of those four years and pledging to see one another again just as soon as goddamned possible. Something's probably wrong with me, you know, not having that at SLC, not really wanting it, by the time the end came around.

See, it went like this: My first year was hard, but I made friends with the people I lived with. I stayed friends with them as the second year started, but I lived apart from them and was caught up in overexercising and undereating, which upset a few of them who had their own eating issues and couldn't be around me as a result. So we fell apart. Then I went to Oxford where I fell in love with friends for the first time ever, and by the time I got back to SLC, I was still mourning my loss of Oxford and I only had one term left, so it just "wasn't worth it" to try to make new friends. And then I left.

Maybe I missed out, maybe I AM missing out. I can't help but wonder if this is all going to happen again at UCL, but compressed into one year instead of four, and if I'll deal with it the same, or if I'll just hold on to my Oxford/London friends and not even bother to make new ones ... I don't know if I still can make new ones.