Denial

So, you know how people are always talking about how some folk use things like sex, drugs, and alcohol to deal with or cover up their feelings? I always thought that was a bit dramatic or exaggeratory, especially because no one ever said it about me. Over the past few days, though, I'm wondering if I should say it to myself. I've been drink-sober for a week now, and while I've done that before, it was always with the thought that "I'll have a drink next week, or when I go to NYC in two weeks." Now I'm planning to keep this sobriety thing going for a few months.

So, you know, there's more presence of mind and more emotional awareness (pssht, what is the point of these things?). For example, I got kinda sad when I saw an ex on FaceBook. We had a tumultuous relationship for a couple months while I was in Oxford, but when we broke up, I immediately slept with other people. (Very immediately.) And I've been drinking since then, too. And the entire time I was with him (as well as before and after) I was regularly coked up.

Also, to-day I was talking to one of my closest friends about her boyfriend and remembered that they lost their virginity to each other last year. It made my heart hurt, it made me wish I had had something special that first time, instead of the horror I had when I was 14.

So I'm not drinking and I'm not having sex (I've gained so much weight in the last year and can't really handle the idea of being naked around anyone, let alone comprehend that someone will want to be naked with me). So I'm, you know, feeling these things. And realizing that I used booze and sex and coke to not feel things.

And I want to go back to that easy, breezy, happy time, however oblivious I may have been.